Balancing medical needs and emotional needs

I think the break that I took this last week from posting here really helped me get a little more perspective on things.  Did it shut up E.D?  No.  But it helped me remember that I have a voice and I can scream back if and when I need to.

This weekend has gone alright.  I’ve managed to only get on the scale once a day, which is huge for me.  I’ve managed to not obsess about food…much.  I did have a few moments when I questioned things, but I pushed through and ate anyway.  I just hate when I do all the right things but the scale still shows a gain.  I know at heart that I need to get my eating disorder under control before I’m going to be able to keep the weight loss going, but it’s frustrating and panicking when I know that my health depends so heavily on me losing weight. I also know that my metabolism is so screwed up from years of restricting, binging, purging, obsessive exercise, and popping pills that it is going to take some time for my body to truly understand what it is supposed to do with food.  And that because of that, I might see some gains.  Losing forty pounds in five months is still quite an accomplishment and even if I have to sit at a plateau or gain a few pounds back to get my metabolism straightened out, I’ve already made a huge improvement in my health.

I’ve been talking at group a lot lately about the endocrinologist that I see and how focused she is on weight loss.  The group has really been pushing me to get a second opinion and find an endo who really understands both the polycycstic ovarian disease AND the eating disorder.  But E.D. is loud and has been working on convincing me that they’re just jealous that I’ve lost weight and they haven’t.  Idiot.  E.D really can be a dick sometimes.