Balancing medical needs and emotional needs

I think the break that I took this last week from posting here really helped me get a little more perspective on things.  Did it shut up E.D?  No.  But it helped me remember that I have a voice and I can scream back if and when I need to.

This weekend has gone alright.  I’ve managed to only get on the scale once a day, which is huge for me.  I’ve managed to not obsess about food…much.  I did have a few moments when I questioned things, but I pushed through and ate anyway.  I just hate when I do all the right things but the scale still shows a gain.  I know at heart that I need to get my eating disorder under control before I’m going to be able to keep the weight loss going, but it’s frustrating and panicking when I know that my health depends so heavily on me losing weight. I also know that my metabolism is so screwed up from years of restricting, binging, purging, obsessive exercise, and popping pills that it is going to take some time for my body to truly understand what it is supposed to do with food.  And that because of that, I might see some gains.  Losing forty pounds in five months is still quite an accomplishment and even if I have to sit at a plateau or gain a few pounds back to get my metabolism straightened out, I’ve already made a huge improvement in my health.

I’ve been talking at group a lot lately about the endocrinologist that I see and how focused she is on weight loss.  The group has really been pushing me to get a second opinion and find an endo who really understands both the polycycstic ovarian disease AND the eating disorder.  But E.D. is loud and has been working on convincing me that they’re just jealous that I’ve lost weight and they haven’t.  Idiot.  E.D really can be a dick sometimes.

Clogged plumbing

The title of this post is two fold.  First of all, our toilet has been severely clogged for the past week.  I’ve tried plunging and auguring the heck out of it over the past few days to no avail.  So, today I get to work on the fantastic DBT skill of building mastery.    I have definitely struggled in the past with feeling capable and proud of myself, so this is going to be a prime chance for me to let myself feel some pride.  It’s a hard concept for me to grasp, but I do actually feel proud of myself today for taking this on head on and not being terrified to try.  Trying alone is a big thing, and I am not doubting my ability to actually fix it.  BIG STEP.

The second aspect of the title is that, well, my own personal plumbing is clogged up.  Severely.  It’s been four days since I’ve been able to…..”flush” my system.  I took a chemical laxative earlier in the week, and prior to that it had been three days.   With all the new medications that I am on, I have no doubt that the constipation is caused by one of them, but who the hell knows which one.  I’m feelin’ incredibly bloated and uncomfortable.

Hello, Mr. ED,I understand that my constipation has put a hault to my weight loss.  I assure you it is temporary and that as soon as I get things worked out, my body will figure out what it needs to do to be healthy.    I appreciate you noticing that health concern for me, but please stop fixating on it, okay?  We’ve got this under control, my body and I, and we don’t need your negative nelly additude throwing a wrench into the business.  Thanks.

The results are in

I had an appointment at MN-COME to follow up on my test results today. The verdict is in.  My testosterone was incredibly high.  My glucose is out of whack.  I had literally not a single drop of Vitamin D in my blood.  My vitamin B12 was very low as well.  So she added a shit load of medications to my already heavy  cocktail.
This is what my new medication regimen looks like:

Morning:

Phentermine 37.5 mg
B-12 15 mcg
Fish Oil 1200 mg
Aldactone 25 mg

Afternoon, just pre-dinner:

Fish Oil 1200 mg
Multi-vitamin
Lexapro 10 mg
Metformin 2000 mg
Aldactone 25 mg

Bedtime:

Valerian Root 450 mg
Melatonin 3 mg
Cymbalta 60 mgs
Klonopin .5 mg

There were no issues with my thyroid function.  There are a number of small cysts on the actual thyroid itself.  We’re going to keep an eye on those over the next six months or so.

Wow.  Supposedly all of this will work together to make me a happy, not “tired all the time”, able to process my food correctly, non-panic attack having individual.  It will also help the crazy hair growth on my chin and help me lose some weight.  And I might even have some energy again.  Between this and the eating disorder clinic dietitian helping me figure out the food stuff, I might have some semblance of a life ~!

Not another “diet blog”

I really do not want this to become another one of the million “diet” blogs that are out there.  I don’t want it to be all about calories and “lifestyle change”.  But it probably will be.  The great thing is this time around, I’m doing it right.  I’m working with a fantastic doctor.  I’m keeping my  plans realistic and healthy.  I’m not starving myself.  I’m not exercising like a mad woman.  I’m eating healthy meals and snacks.  I’m aiming for 10,000 steps a day on my pedometer.  I’m trying to play around on the Wii Fit for a half an hour every night.

I went to MNCOME (The Minnesota Center for Obesity, Metabolism, and Endocrinology) last week for my initial consultation.  My primary care doctor is concerned about how hard it has been for me to maintain any sort of weight loss, and is starting to think that there is some sort of hormonal difficulty due to various weirdnesses in my body.  The appointment went incredibly well.  We scheduled all sorts of tests and appointments for the next couple of weeks, and I return to see the doctor again on the 20th to discuss the results and start moving on whatever course of action we decide to take.